Today I started reading an interesting book, at least I hope it is when I'm done with it, "Why the Chicken Crossed the Road: and other Hidden Enlightenment Teachings from the Buddha to the Behop to Mother Goose," by Dean Sluyter. I thought I'd put a quote in that really reached out to me...

The futility of worry is rooted in the element of time: worry is the agitated anticipation of what the world may to do us in the near or distant future. (Resentment is the agitated recollection of what the world did to us in the past. Guilt is the agitated recollection of what we did to the world -- and often a convenient form of self-flagellation that allows us to keep doing it.)
The cure for worry, then (and resentment and guilt), is to live right now. This is not just some happy-face spiritual slogan, but the starkest realism -- in fact it's our only option. We worry about tomorrow, but we always wake up today. It's never tomorrow, never five minutes from now, never one second from now. (When the future arrives, please raise your hand.) There's no time but the present, and even that is suspect.

In meditation you can see through the illusion of past, present, and future -- your experience becomes the continuity of Nowness. The past is only an unreliable memory held in the present. The future is only a projection of your present conceptions. The present itself vanishes as soon as you try to grasp it. So why bother with attempting to establish the illusion of solid ground? -- H.H. Dilgo Kyentse Rinpoche

Relinquishing the illusion of solid ground may seem scary at first; it does mean going into a kind of endless free-fall. But we're falling in delicious, total freedom indeed, with the growing realization that just as there is no ground to support us, there is no ground ever to hit.

It's a pretty powerful quote. It really made me think. We can only think about right now, what's happening at the very instant you're reading this. It's something to think about. There's no such thing as one second later, because when you get there you're really here. Right now. Think about right now. Live for that. Why waste your time thinking about what's going to happen, because whatever does happen just does. There's no way you can change how the cards fall, or the order things will happen in, or even that what you think will happen really will.

I have a problem with doing this myself. I'm trying to change it. I've started dubbing myself as, "assumption man." I always do things based on what I think someone is going to do, well, not always, just sometimes. Take this morning for instance: I had just gotten off work and was waiting for my co-worker to leave because he was giving me a ride home. He left some stuff he was taking to recycle on top of a machine at work. I thought he was going to go out the front doors, so I grabbed the box, even though my hands were full, and held it with one hand... just barely. He came over and grabbed the box from me and said, "You can't carry that, can you?" He grabbed the box from me, and headed out the side door.

See, I assumed something, tried to help out, and only assumed wrong and did what I did, even if I wasn't sure I could do what I was trying to do. The outcome was still the same... he gave me a ride home, and ended up with his stuff he was taking from work. It would have happened no matter what I did.

So I've decided I can't do anything because I think someone might do this or that... what happens will happen. I just need to do what I want to do. Only help someone if they need it, and don't be afraid to ask them if they do need help.

More on my smoky quartz pendant and buying a chain for it. Alex and I went to Wal-Mart to check out the silver chains and pick up a few items I needed. When we went up to the jewelry counter first an old lady helped us, it was her first day. I knew I needed a 20" chain, but she didn't know how to find out the size of the chains in the case... so she got help from the main jewelry guy, he showed her how, then told her he'd help me and to go help another customer waiting, "I'll help these gentlemen, go help that other customer." He was so GAY GAY GAY! Not that there's anything wrong with that, it was just funny.

He got the chains out and I couldn't decide, so Alex went out to the truck to get the pendant. We figured if we saw it on a chain it would help us decide. As soon as Alex was gone this old jewelry guy said, "I think it's fabulous you guys are taking such an interest in jewelry these days. It's so refreshing." Can you believe that!? He said fabulous and refreshing in the same breath! That's when I knew he was very gay. He then went off about how guys are buying gemstone earrings for themselves these days, and how that's great too, that guys in general are taking a greater interest in jewelry.

I had to make small talk with this jewelry guy until Alex came back. I was so glad when Alex did. I took the pendant out, placed it on the counter with the chains, and the conversation followed like this:

Jewelry Guy: That's an interesting stone, what is it?

Me: Smokey quartz.

Jewelry Guy.: I've never seen anything like it. It's very beautiful. Quite phallic looking, almost like a symbol for male liberation.

Ok now, would you agree with me on this equation - beautiful + phallic + male liberation = GAY!

Phallic looking!! I had to try really hard to contain my laughter at that point, as did Alex. It's just a smokey quartz crystal point, it doesn't look any more phallic than the Washington Monument (Alex said this and he's right).

Then the jewelry guy proceeded to make small talk with Alex and I, and told us he lived in Turkey for 12 years, and the guys there wear a lot of gold jewelry, especially bracelets, and that he's been out of the country for 28 years, and has only been back for six months. He then (here comes the dinger) said, "You guys seem like interesting guys, maybe we could get together sometime, for coffee or something, and I could tell you about Turkey." He asked us on a date! To tell us about Turkey, but I bet he really wants to stuff us like turkeys with something quite phallic.

My co-worker, Dick, wants a button made with the top heading of the porn magazine Juggs, "Because it is not Thanksgiving without cornhole stuffing."

Last night work was pretty uneventful. Most of the night I read Better Homes and Gardens and Ladies Home Jounal (I'd read most of the other magazines at work, and these just came in yesterday). There was an interesting article on brain function, and how to keep your brain active. There are also a lot of good recipes. Then I read the newspaper and found out about some guy running for a government position that has argyria, a permanent and irreversable skin discoloration. Did some research on that caused from silver colloidal "supplements" for colds and stuff.

I had a really good weekend. It was nice to get away from town and spend my weekend primarily with Alex. We did a lot of stuff together, even saw the Aurora Borealis (kind of, it was cloudy out, but we saw the lights from it... we'd heard it'd been visible where we were, so we went out just for the purpose of seeing it, and sat in the dark and talked and talked, watching the sky, and then finally we saw light coming from where there shouldn't have been any). I'm a little envious of Alex, he saw it bright and clear last night over the lake as he was driving home, and I was at work. He said it was a brilliant display, and all I saw the night before were some lights from the sky, but knew it was the Aurora. He told me he dreams of the day we can actually see it together. I can't wait.

What else did we do this weekend?.... We had dinner with his family friday night, at Sizzler (I wouldn't recommend going to Sizzler with 9 people on a Friday night... it's so busy none of us could talk across the table, so it wasn't a very enjoyable dinner.

After dinner we went to his parents house, and with the family watched We Were Soldiers. If you haven't seen it, I'd recommend watching it, but only once, unless you like war movies. It was about the start of the Vietnam War, events that happened the first three days. Parts are heart wrenching and sad, and it's hard to believe our government participated in this, and was so callous, and didn't really care about the loss of lives (on both sides), I say this because it took until 1982 for a memorial to be made. The movie made me grieve. War is a horrible thing, and to think we may be on the verge of another war. I can only imagine what goes through the minds of those in battle. I have an idea... and this movie seems to shed light on that. I just think I may have to read the book this movie was based on. What makes me so sad is the type of stuff depicted in this movie went on for so many years, resulting in so many deaths... and was it really worth it? Was Vietnam really that much of a threat to us that 58,202 had to die (that was one in ten people who fought, with an average age of 23.11 years)? Or was our government just trying to prove to themselves, and the world, that we, the United States, are the most powerful in the world (a power trip)? I can't answer these questions, and neither can you, honestly, because we can't change the past and change what happened, we can only seek to understand it... but it is something to think about. Maybe I'll write more about this later.

Saturday was spent having coffee with a couple of girls he helped out earlier that week, talking and having coffee. Then Alex and I went shopping to find a new crystal for me, since I lost one a couple of months ago. I ended up buying a smoky quarts point... more on that later. Then we had dinner at his parents house, and then went Aurora watching. Yesterday was spent running around, having lunch, and doing a little more shopping (I had to get a chain for my new crystal!)

Since I had to be back at work last night we made the trek back here around 8. I made it to work on time, and worked all night, now here I am Monday morning, shortly after getting off work, writing about my weekend. It was a good weekend. Alex and I spent some much needed time together. It was quite nice. I can't wait for the day when I'm up there with him... this long distance thing truly sucks, but it's only for a couple more weeks. I plan on being up there by the end of the month.

Testing this thing to see what happens. Read Nathan's blog, thought I'd get one myself. For those who don't know Nathan, he's my ex-roommate. Lived with him for two years until he moved to California for a job after he graduated college. Just recently got in touch with him again after not talking to him really since he moved When we did get in contact again, it was nice to catch up, and we still are.. We had just had other stuff to do and lost contact, it happens. His blog (http://www.kingnathan.com/) will help me see what he's been up to, and mine will let people know what's going on with me.

It's been a good day. Although work was boring and I'm home now. I hate my job, but more about that later. I can't wait to be out of there; I work for barely nothing and people think they can shit on me and that's just not right, and I don't deserve it.

It's about 2 pm when I leave this next paragraph... trying to figure out how to make individual posts show up separately. I'll get it eventually.

Made myself a good lunch... a calzone with vegetarian sausage, fresh tomatoes, garlic, cheddar and parmesan cheese. It was yummy. Alex thinks I'm ignoring him, every time he's had a minute to pop on I've stepped away, or I was in the middle of working on this or reading something, I was still talking to him, just slow. I'm happy I'll see him later and get to spend all weekend with him. I need to do that. I miss him.